remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
