Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
