i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
