on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
