R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
