Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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