bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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