There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
