he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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