Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
