All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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