i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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