You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
