Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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