Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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