Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
