Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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