I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
