why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I stole a fireplace last night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize