the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
