So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
