I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
