Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
