just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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