mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
