I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
