You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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