I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
