Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
