You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
