he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
