Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
