he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
