My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
