I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
