I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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