if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
