Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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