Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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