I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
