he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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