my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
