he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
