He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
