I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
