So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
