i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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