I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
