I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
