i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
