My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
