someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
