a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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