I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
