I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
