You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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