Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
