I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize