If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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