wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
