She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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