Buhtt sex?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
