Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
