At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
